Wednesday, May 17, 2006

05/13/06 vs. Milwaukee

Hi fans, its me, Jose. Well, have I been a busy man or what? You see, my recent success has made me very popular with the fans, particularly some fine Milwaukee ladies--Clarissetta and BobbiJo, if you're reading this, I'd like my watch back, please baby! Like I tell my sons, Jesmuel and Yomar, you gotta watch out for the ladies!

Problem is, I think the reason I started hitting like Robin Yount is that a few weeks ago in San Francisco, I smeared some clear shit all over my ass. It tasted a lot like apple sauce. Anyhow, that stuff really kicked in this week, and I felt like an animal at the plate in Milwaukee. My veins were popping, and the vision was all blurry for a few games and I got angry easily, especially when someone told me I was swinging a toilet plunger, not a bat. Plus, I had to borrow Ramon's hat the other day. But I was able to harness my blind rage and perform on the field. Afterwards, the media even asked me for reaction. I said:"It was an ugly win, but you've got to take any win you can"; just like a pro!! So now I'm hitting .275/.293/.375 and Willie is calling me on the cell like 24-7 trying to convice me to move into the starting lineup--but hey, a deal's a deal Willie!

Fans, getting right down to the issue that's really bothering me, in the hot tub the other night, I noticed my balls shrank to the size of lima beans. I think that clear stuff ruined my nads, and I haven't touched the stuff since. All and all, there's a lesson in my trip to Milwaukee for you all kids: ask to see the ladies' drivers licences at GR before you take them home!!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

05/09/06 vs. Philadelphia

Hey fans, Sorry no posts lately, but I've been real busy making intangible contributions to Willie Randolph's Mets.

For example, the other day, Jose Lima wanted me to help him with his hair colloring, so being pretty handy with facial hair and the like, I helped out. He showed me a picture of what he wanted and I helped him get that "clown" look just in time for the game. Then I helped the clubhouse attendant clean out a old stash of pornographic material he found, mostly of young male models. We don't know whose they were but they were all marked with the initials "MP."

But enough good news. I struck out today (in honor of Pedro in the 8th) mostly because I was still thinking of LoDuca's misplay versus the Atlanta club. I know I shouldn't be so steamed, but we practiced that play over and over again. The play calls for the catcher to spike the ball, and then, pay attention here, KICK it through the uprights. Lo Duca apparently forgot to finish the play off with the flourish. I mean, if we practiced this once we did it a thousand times. I worked hard designing that play, and Lo Duca really messed it up, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt because it was his first try. And we'll keep practicing, even though we lost our "uprights" when Victor ran off the field the other day.

But maybe Paul's got other things on his mind; it does get lonely out here and on the road. Not for me, of course, but the other guys get lonely. Lo Duca said the ump told Lima, "I'm going to give you a couple inches off the plate, but I'm not going to give you 4 or 5 inches because you're not John Smoltz." That, Lo Duca said, "I got a little problem with."Lima said that "makes me look like I'm a rookie up there." Now to me, that's way too much information--if you fellas want to meet in the hot tub after the game for a rub down, that's fine by me (I'm usually only in there during the games), as long as you clean the filter when you're done with it. Jose is familiar with the swinging lifestyle, but after all, this is a family game.

With all the roster moves coming, I asked Willy if I would be getting more playing time and he said not to worry, he just needs me for that one at-bat a day. You know, Willy's a show me kind of guy. And he likes what he sees.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

5/03/06 and 5/04/06 vs. Pittsburgh

Hey fans, Jose here.

The first game of the Pirates series was so rainy. When I came in to pinch hit for Pedro, the fans really got pumped up and yelled "JooBooooooooSeeeyy"!! Interesting pronounciation of my name--fans are so creative!! I was inspired and got a little piece of that third strike, but man it was just too wet on the field for me to be legging out a single!

I think the cream I used in San Francisco is starting to work. I haven't washed my ass since then and damned if in the 7th inning of the second game I don't single in an RBI! I think my head grew a little too. Now that I'm starting to bruise the ball, what I'm thinking is that I need an "entrance song" something to let the fans know Jose is coming in the ballgame, most likely to flail away uselessly. You know, like that evil-looking guy on the Braves used to come in to, "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, or some shit. But I'm not too familiar with your American music, so I'm hoping you fans can suggest some songs for me.

So fans, how about it? What song should they play at Shea to announce that Jose is about to pinch-hit?

05/02/06 vs. Washington: Vote for Jose!!

Terrible loss today. Anyways, first off I want to give a big cheer to my brother Javier, who was a real pinch-hit hero today for the Reds. I watched his game today from the clubhouse hot tub. I call him a lot and leave pinch hitting tips on his voice mail. It's turning out to be a great year for Valentins!

Fans I have noticed how many of you visit my site, and I appreciate your support. And ladies, of course, thanks for the pictures, but please don't send them to my home because this makes my wife Ilka a little bit cranky.

I am thrilled at the response to my being a Met, but the time has come for me to ask a favor from you.

I was in the hot tub talking to Cliff Floyd (hitting .190 to my .160, yet listed on the All-star ballot) and he ended up loaning me this book, "The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence,'' or some shit. Well, there were some pretty inspiring words in that book and it got me thinking about my self-esteem...

Many of you have probably noticed that I was left off the All-Star ballot this year--no space for pinch hitters such as myself. When he brought me my beer, Endy also mentioned there was no space for pinch runners. But there IS a write-in category. I was thinking to myself, "Jose, wouldn't it be great if some of your fans from your blog would write you in on their ballots when they vote democratically like 50 times for the most popular players regardless of performance?" Since I am starting to peak (.273 in my last 10 games), I think the All-Star game would be a perfect stage for the Jose Valentin experience. You know, it turns out that my agent and Omar inserted a clause in my contract that if I make the All-Star team, that Sterling Co. would get me a gift certificate to Ground Round good for dinner for twelve (thanks again, Omar!!) This would certainly help me to feed my family. What do you say, fans? This year, why not "Vote for Jose"?

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

05/01/06 vs. Washington

I always like to go the extra mile for my friend Victor. So today when I pinch hit for him, I got it all the way to the outfield before it was caught; that's just my way of saying thanks for being a good friend. I noticed Julio Franco has been getting some opportunities to pinch hit that could go to me, so I played a little trick on him and put a little cold medicine in his laxative drink today. He wasn't ready to go until the 9th and as a result of my little joke, we won the game! Hey fans, sometimes things just work out. Tonight, me and Vicky will go out and celebrate; I invited David along, but he has to stay in and play checkers with his mom or some shit.

Now fans, I want to take a moment to address something I read the other day in the hot tub in the 4th inning of some game or another. Ever since I signed with the Mets for a guaranteed contract, Mets fans have treated me like a king, yelling things out to me from the stands, throwing things to me, etc. But there's a bad apple in every crowd. Apparently some wise-ass has decided to take my statistics out of context; comparing me to the wrong reference group--pitchers--but I'm a pinch hitter not a pitcher, dummy!! People should really learn to spell!

Glavine 7 3 .429 .429 .857B.
Bannister 7 2 .286 .286 .714S.
Trachsel 8 2 .250 .250 .625
P. Martinez 9 1 .111 .200 .311
J. Valentin 21 2 .095 .095 .190
V. Zambrano 4 0 .000 .000 .000

Then this joker compares my performance to a pitcher with only one hand, Jim Abbott, back in 1999, the juiced era! Well obviously managing two hands on a bat is more difficult than only one hand!

The reality is, I am always trying to improve to help the team. I have asked Willie to take my splits into account to decide how to best utilize my talent. For example, I am hiting .091 during the day, but .167 at night. At night my stash keeps me warm and focused, whereas during day games, I admit I get a little sweaty and distracted. Now that we are returning to Shea, I have some adjustments to make. First I have to talk to someone about the hot tub bubbler being out of order. Though I was on fire on that road trip and am hitting .333 on the road, I am still waiting to nudge my home average up a bit from .000.

Other commenters have been a little bit kind. Marty Noble has hit the nail on the head, it's my versatility that separates me from the Michael Tuckers of this world:

With the Mets' sudden lack of offense, doesn't it make sense to release Valentin and call up Diaz again?-- Josh H., Dallas

Obviously, your e-mail was sent before Diaz was promoted. Valentin was unproductive at first, but he has already begun to make more contact. The Mets still need more left-handed hitting off the bench. They recently signed Michael Tucker to a Minor League deal. He might have something left, but he lacks the versatility that Valentin has.

Mr. Noble is right on the money. As I explained to him over lunch at Ground Round last week, there is one very special thing about the way I play the game. It's the versatile way I make the outs that I make. For example, I often like to strike out with men on base; you don't need to be Bobby Valentine to figure out this strategy, it takes us right out of what I like to call "double-play danger." Also, I prefer ground outs to the infield to fly ball outs; this way there is more of a chance that the opposing players will injure themselves trying to make plays on my dribblers and nubblers. That's right fans, baseball is a game of strategy and guile. Well, I've enjoyed talking strategy with you fans, but it's time for some grooming and then a night out on the town!