Saturday, July 08, 2006

7/07/06--7/08/06 vs. Florida: AM I NOT THE MAN?

Hello fans. Willie gave me most of the night off Friday as I was feeling the effects of some sketchy ranch dressing at GR the night before when during some "Josetime," I treated myself to some delicious jalapeno poppers. With a little time to wander the clubhouse and make myself useful, I thought I'd tidy up my locker a bit. I noticed that the notebook I use to keep track of my at-bats and study the opposing pitchers looked strange--darned if the cover didn't say "C. Delgado"! Gosh, I think I've been using that one for a few months now, I wonder where mine went? I guess it'll turn up. Anyways, during the 5th inning, I also helped pack Jose Lima's bags--gosh he has a lot of colorful suits!

After the game, I was feeling out of sorts. Though with enough at-bats, I am on a pace for 100 RBI season, and am maintaining the highest slugging percentage of my career, I was snubbed for the All-Star game, so I have to admit watching a certain 3rd baseman decide which pink shirt he was going to wear to the All-Star dinner (not at GR by the way), I was starting to feel a little down. But I pulled myself together, started filling the hot tub, and got down to the night's grooming. A doubleheader and 7 RBI's later, I am feeling much better.

Many a time, fans of the MLB will discuss prospects or stars, saying they have "5 tools." So it is not surprising that fans often ask me, Jose, just how many tools do you have? Well fans, I like to be modest, but I am an honest man if nothing else. I would say I posess at least 13 tools:

blazing speed
enormous lumber
lady magnetism
tantric sexual ability
remembers ladies birthdays
always on time
notably white teeth
catlike reflexes
on-field flexibility
manicured manliness
eshews fastfood
olefactory prowess
never sleepy

I'm sure you fans have noticed a few others, but that's it for now. See you soon!

Sunday, July 02, 2006

06/30/06 vs. Yankees

Fans, it's me Jose, and I have some very troubling news to report. I was in the tunnel during the rain delay (and I don't mean Steve Traschel, I mean the real rain delay), bending over to get a drink of water from the cooler when Derek Jeter propositioned me. It started out innocently when he wolf-whistled at me, and asked whether I wanted to come to a BBQ for July 4th weekend with him, Johnny and Alex. Now I had seen the two Yankee buddies in their video on the internet, but I was still taken aback. It was the middle of a major league game after all. And workplace sexual harrassment is strictly forbidden by MLB regulations, unless your name is Keith Hernandez.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, I said, but I thought you went out with Mariah Carey. Well, it's kinda complicated, said the rangeless Yankees shortstop, she's kind of, well, she's a transgendered man-woman. I had to explain to him that while I respected his position, although Jose is something of a swinger, there are no men in my hot tub, if you know what I'm saying. Besides, if I were that kind of guy, I told him, I'm more of an A-Rod fan anyway--at least that mercenary is a decent shortstop--before that whole slappy incident at least. Or maybe a nice steroidal hunk like Jason Giambi, who is somehow allowed to continue to play although he is clearly violating the league drug policy. Now the overrated captain didn't take this so well, his eyes got watery and his face got all red and puffy. Then he dissapeared into the dark, dank, overrated Yankee Stadium caverns. I was so shaken and bothered, it was as though I had to sit through an Al Leiter YES broadcast. I had Endy fix me a stiff drink and I locked the clubhouse door to hot tub alone.

Well that's it for now fans, talk to you soon.