Saturday, January 27, 2007

Off-Season Report

Hello, fans. It's me, Jose.

a picture of my great great great grandfather, Jose Valenin the First

I don't usually like to break my off-season silence, as my wife does not appreciate my many female fans being tipped off to my whereabouts. All the breast-baring and panty throwing is not good for our children's emotional growth, she says. But as you probably know, I have re-signed with the Mets this winter, and I am told we are getting a great break on insurance rates because Omar signed so many of us more mature players. Finally, there will be large type Sudoko puzzles in the clubhouse! It's not all good, though, as one of the new additions--I haven't caught him yet--keeps pissing in the hot tub!

Which brings me to why I am posting today. Lastings read me aloud an article this morning at breakfast that really upset me: Bud Selig is planning on yanking the Extra-Innings package from cable!

Well, this really riles me up, fans. I have cable now, but I used to use a dish. The damn dish kept falling into the outdoor hot tub, and ever since that McEwing fella stopped working the clubhouse, and Endy became a big star, there is no one to help me with the frequent adjustments a dish needs. So, I got cable hook-up and it worked fine. You see, I like to use the "Extra Innings" service to scout the cities of teams we will play next. It is easy to find out which upcoming road trips will feature the most hot mommacitos in the stands, so I know where to put my efforts.

I have spent some of my off-season combing through old pictures in the garage. My wife says no hot tub in the garage until I clean it out, so I have found many old pictures. I am unhappy with the way some have insinuated that performance enhancing drugs contributed to my sudden success last season. That success was not due to any steroid use really. To prove it here is an old picture of me telling Jose Canseco that I am not interested in smearing cream on his ass after the game.


Well, that's all for now. See you in a few weeks fans.