Friday, March 30, 2007

Diary: The Mets Clubhouse Situation on the Eve of 2007 Season

Hi fans,
It's me, Jose.

Well, the season is about to start, and I thought I'd fill you in on how the spring went, as far as personalities gelling and the like.

But first, a funny story. A few weeks ago, me and Tony LaRussa hit a Florida-area Ground Round for a couple of beers and appetizers. I remember Tony drank a lot of wine coolers. Then, Tony gave me a ride back to my place, and I was in the middle of a great story about Jerry Reinsdorf and these two lady circus performers when Tony, he just passed out at a light. Luckily for me, I was able to jump out of the car and hide in the bushes when the cops came. I just don't like cops. Man, walking back to my place, I have never wished I was wearing pants as much as I did then.

Well, if you read my blog at all, you probably guessed that Carlos Delgado left his notebook lying around again while he was attending his child's birth, so I was able to really rake this spring. Still, I got a little case of the Grapefruit League lonely's.

Sure, the press reported that I hang out and play dominoes with "Delgado and the Dominoes," which includes Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, and Julio Franco. We actually call the group "Jose and the Geriatrics," but Delgado hasn't been around much, Beltran is always playing with his tennis-ball machine, and Franco is napping almost 24-7. Beltran is more of a cock-fight kind of guy anyhow.

Also, I used to hang around with Endy a lot, but lately he has been distant. Actually, ever since he made "the catch" he has been a little hard to take, ego-wise. He calls me Abuelito, and is always pounding away on his Blackberry, talking about "options" or some shit. Then my boy Jorge Sosa cleared waivers and now he’ll be pulling in $1.25 million at Triple-A New Orleans instead of carrying my bags and making sure my towels are fresh. As for Damion Easley, he is mostly focusing on selling his dietary products in the clubhouse, and hot-rodding his van.

Well, don't worry about me. I have a certain inner strength. I will come through for you fans, tomorrow night, and for the rest of the season. I am groomed and I am ready.

take care,

Friday, March 16, 2007

Injury Update

picture borrowed from my homegirl,

Hi fans,
It's me, (ouch) Jose. You may have heard that I am having some problems with my neck due to a sleeping injury. I am here to let you know that this is not true. Moreover, while my cataracts are acting up lately, there is no truth to the rumor that I have an arthritic neck; I mean, how could a professional athelete have arthritis, that's an old person's affliction!

Fans I hope you will forgive me this cover story, for I had to think fast when questioned, or the awful truth might come out. Seeing as I am already ashamed that my snake, "Lulu" got loose the other day in the pressbox, I felt that additional media pressure would be unbearable. Here's the real story you won't find anywhere else.

The truth is, ever since the Wilpons banned cock fighting in the Port St. Lucie clubhouse, we players have had to find other things to pass the time. So, I was leg wrestling with Wil Cordero, when he pulled a move that was banned many years ago in my country. I had no defense. Fans, he finished me off with the Escroto en Garganta "Balls on Throat" maneuver, a move so dangerous that it is banned by every major international leg-wresting federation, except the Midget-Cow Wrestling Association headquartered in Sao Paolo. Fans, I am lucky to be alive, much less hit .250 this season and play respectable defense.

Now, I am not saying that Wil Cordero is a dirty leg wrestler, but my neck has been a source of pain ever since. Illegal move or no illegal move, I have since forgiven Wil, since he threatened to kill me and urinate on my family, but I thought you fans should know the truth.

Talk to you soon!

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