Friday, April 13, 2007

Diary: Jose's Picture Book and Personal Philosophy

Hi fans, it's me Jose.

Many of you have noticed how smooth I am in the field, and wonder, am I as smooth in my personal life? Well fans, the answer is yes. But today I want to go beyond the kind of personal grooming tips I normally give you, and provide some deeper understanding of my personal philosophy, which I call bigote.

How smooth am I? And how did I get like that? In today's world there are so many questions, and not enough answers.

Here is a picture I found cleaning out my garage over the off-season to make room for a new hot tub. It is of me, on my way to junior prom. I show it to you to illustrate that poise and smoothness stand the test of time. They are qualities that, once you develop, never leave you. Even if you happen to bat .167 through the first nine games of the season, a lower average than anyone on the entire pitching staff, you can endure.

Bigote is a personal approach to living well, handed down through twelve generations of Jose Valentin's. Here are few rules to get you started:

Looking good is the entire battle.

Only cheat when you have to.

Beware the women of Milwaukee.

You must always be ready to score on life's wild pitches.

I want you to ponder these with your untutored minds, and we will return to them shortly, and unlock their karmic power. And in the coming season, I will reveal more of the tenants of bigote. Fans, follow these rules, and you too, can enjoy a smooth life.

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