The Jose Valentin Experience

Let me 'splain!

2008-03-03T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hi fans, it's me, Jose.

Some of you have asked me, hey, Jose, what's up with the gesturing you did in the dugout the other day? Like I teach my kids, brushing and flossing after every meal is very very important to achieve the appropriate level of hygiene. So when my buddies in the dugout asked me, "hey Jose, what did you do last night? and what's your technique for oral care?" I was like "this guy, this guy right here treated me to Ground Round last night and it was great except for some of the celery from the awesome Triple Sampler, tm got caught in my teeth." Then I just showed them my approach to keeping my mouth clean and healthy.

Well, I hope that explains some things for you. While I'm working my way back to the field, I think I will start up posting on my blog again soon. See you at GR, amigos!

Jose's Diary: I met someone

2007-05-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

Hello fans,

It's me Jose, and I want to take a break from my Mets player-GR menu item series to let you in on my personal life a bit. My wife can't read the internets so I guess I wont get in trouble for sharing this. I want to tell you about the terrific woman I met last night, Debbie.

I noticed her there at Ground Round right away, sitting across the bar, all overly tanned a little too muscular and big haired, and well, beautiful. My midget had called a cab so I was alone. He was getting a little bit ornery for a little guy anyway, and I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Debbie came over and introduced herself. I suspected she was married because I saw her slip a ring into her purse as she joined me at one of the high boy tables near the bar. She said her husband was a real jerk, very sucessful but hooked on some drug she didn't want to talk about. She just wanted someone to talk with. They had just moved back to the NY area so he could take some high profile job that would leave him little time for her. She said sometime she was so alone that all she had was her hobby, sewing rhinestones into clothing and hats and then trying to unload the stuff on the internet.

She said she was dedicated to women's health or some shit, and I just smiled and asked her if she'd ever been in a hot tub. The rest of the night, well I'll have to leave it to your imagination.

Ground Rounders: Jose Reyes

2007-05-06T21:06:00.000-07:00

Hi fans,

I have some time on my hands recently, so I have been hanging at GR with my recuperatatory midget, Pepe. I can tell you my friends, that midget can really put them away. So after about 15 Coronas, Pepe and I decided to start a series of posts where I compare a different Mets player to an item on the Ground Round menu.

First up, Jose Reyes, who is most definitely a "Sensational Starter." The way he gets on base, and sets our table, it was no trouble to pick the appetizer he most reminds me of:

Triple Sampler A generous sampler of guest favorites: stuffed potato skins, Buffalo chicken tenderloins and mozzarella cheese sticks.

It is easy to see how each of the three delicious and healthy snacks represents a base, which Jose tears around, headed for yet another triple.

When Jose come up to the plate, second base is guaranteed!

Ouch!

2007-05-01T14:49:00.000-07:00

Hi fans its me, Jose.

You probably have heard by now that I hurt my ACLU. I do not know all the details, but I want to reassure you that Pedro has loaned me both his new "recuperatatory midget," Pepe, and his "recovery sombrero." I will tell you more when I know. However, I don't need to to tell you that my friend Damion Easley deserves your support, although it is plain from last night's performance that he will never be able to fill my shoes. I think I will be spending a bit more time at the GR for the next few weeks while I do everything in my power to get back on the field.

Thank you for your support.

Diary: Jose's Picture Book and Personal Philosophy

2007-04-13T22:39:00.000-07:00

Hi fans, it's me Jose.

Many of you have noticed how smooth I am in the field, and wonder, am I as smooth in my personal life? Well fans, the answer is yes. But today I want to go beyond the kind of personal grooming tips I normally give you, and provide some deeper understanding of my personal philosophy, which I call bigote.

How smooth am I? And how did I get like that? In today's world there are so many questions, and not enough answers.

Here is a picture I found cleaning out my garage over the off-season to make room for a new hot tub. It is of me, on my way to junior prom. I show it to you to illustrate that poise and smoothness stand the test of time. They are qualities that, once you develop, never leave you. Even if you happen to bat .167 through the first nine games of the season, a lower average than anyone on the entire pitching staff, you can endure.

Bigote is a personal approach to living well, handed down through twelve generations of Jose Valentin's. Here are few rules to get you started:

Looking good is the entire battle.

Only cheat when you have to.

Beware the women of Milwaukee.

You must always be ready to score on life's wild pitches.

I want you to ponder these with your untutored minds, and we will return to them shortly, and unlock their karmic power. And in the coming season, I will reveal more of the tenants of bigote. Fans, follow these rules, and you too, can enjoy a smooth life.
Jose

Diary: The Mets Clubhouse Situation on the Eve of 2007 Season

2007-03-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Hi fans,
It's me, Jose.

Well, the season is about to start, and I thought I'd fill you in on how the spring went, as far as personalities gelling and the like.

But first, a funny story. A few weeks ago, me and Tony LaRussa hit a Florida-area Ground Round for a couple of beers and appetizers. I remember Tony drank a lot of wine coolers. Then, Tony gave me a ride back to my place, and I was in the middle of a great story about Jerry Reinsdorf and these two lady circus performers when Tony, he just passed out at a light. Luckily for me, I was able to jump out of the car and hide in the bushes when the cops came. I just don't like cops. Man, walking back to my place, I have never wished I was wearing pants as much as I did then.

Well, if you read my blog at all, you probably guessed that Carlos Delgado left his notebook lying around again while he was attending his child's birth, so I was able to really rake this spring. Still, I got a little case of the Grapefruit League lonely's.

Sure, the press reported that I hang out and play dominoes with "Delgado and the Dominoes," which includes Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, and Julio Franco. We actually call the group "Jose and the Geriatrics," but Delgado hasn't been around much, Beltran is always playing with his tennis-ball machine, and Franco is napping almost 24-7. Beltran is more of a cock-fight kind of guy anyhow.

Also, I used to hang around with Endy a lot, but lately he has been distant. Actually, ever since he made "the catch" he has been a little hard to take, ego-wise. He calls me Abuelito, and is always pounding away on his Blackberry, talking about "options" or some shit. Then my boy Jorge Sosa cleared waivers and now he’ll be pulling in $1.25 million at Triple-A New Orleans instead of carrying my bags and making sure my towels are fresh. As for Damion Easley, he is mostly focusing on selling his dietary products in the clubhouse, and hot-rodding his van.

Well, don't worry about me. I have a certain inner strength. I will come through for you fans, tomorrow night, and for the rest of the season. I am groomed and I am ready.

take care,
Jose.

Injury Update

2007-03-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

picture borrowed from my homegirl, Metsgrrl.com

Hi fans,
It's me, (ouch) Jose. You may have heard that I am having some problems with my neck due to a sleeping injury. I am here to let you know that this is not true. Moreover, while my cataracts are acting up lately, there is no truth to the rumor that I have an arthritic neck; I mean, how could a professional athelete have arthritis, that's an old person's affliction!

Fans I hope you will forgive me this cover story, for I had to think fast when questioned, or the awful truth might come out. Seeing as I am already ashamed that my snake, "Lulu" got loose the other day in the pressbox, I felt that additional media pressure would be unbearable. Here's the real story you won't find anywhere else.

The truth is, ever since the Wilpons banned cock fighting in the Port St. Lucie clubhouse, we players have had to find other things to pass the time. So, I was leg wrestling with Wil Cordero, when he pulled a move that was banned many years ago in my country. I had no defense. Fans, he finished me off with the Escroto en Garganta "Balls on Throat" maneuver, a move so dangerous that it is banned by every major international leg-wresting federation, except the Midget-Cow Wrestling Association headquartered in Sao Paolo. Fans, I am lucky to be alive, much less hit .250 this season and play respectable defense.

Now, I am not saying that Wil Cordero is a dirty leg wrestler, but my neck has been a source of pain ever since. Illegal move or no illegal move, I have since forgiven Wil, since he threatened to kill me and urinate on my family, but I thought you fans should know the truth.

Talk to you soon!

Jose's Hot Tub 101

2007-02-18T13:37:00.000-08:00

Ladies enjoy my "travel tub," seen here during a Pittsburg series--i don't know where they come from, but they're always there. If you look closely, you can make out my big toe to the right of one lady's bosom.

Hello fans,
Jose here. I received a troubling text message from Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood last week. It seems he slipped getting out of his hot tub at home and fell on his stomach and chest. Kerry was distraught. As everyone knows, Kerry has spent most of his career inside a hot tub, and frankly, he was ashamed that he had made such a rookie mistake. After consoling him, and reminding him why a good sturdy pair of flip flops are an injured/has been player's best friend, I thought to myself, "Jose, how can tragedies like this be prevented in the future?" Hot tub safety and etiquette have always been my passion, so I want to share some tips with you this week.

Hot tub: the Basics:

figure A

In figure A above, we have a typical hot tub, much like the one I have installed in my van. While it clearly seats two, the art of manuvering your lady friends into your lap is one that unfortunately cannot be taught. Suffice it to say, you should take the two seats as a starting point, not as your end goal.

Hot tubs make us smile.

Whirlpool vs. Hot tub: Fans this is an issue near my heart, as I have always tried to make the whirlpool more like a hot tub. Let me explain. Whirlpools are found in the clubhouse and are used for therepy and rehabilitation. Hot tubs are where the ladies gather and where the champaign flows. But that doesn't mean that whirlpools can't be fun. In fact, my feeling is that hot tub is a state of mind, an attitude towards life. But the hot tub has rules that must be respected.

Pop Quiz:
Q: What is wrong with this picture?

A: Trick question. There is nothing right with this picture. First, hot tub is an adult area. This is the first rule: no children should ever be allowed in a hot tub. Experience shows that the desired romantic atmosphere can not be achieved in the presence of urine. Two, ice cream and hot tubs do not mix. I repeat, no cream or milk based products should be enjoyed in the vacinity of a hot tub. Yes, this goes for yougurt too.

I want to leave you with some simple rules that will enhance the hot tub experience:

The hot tub is not a bath
Three words: Plastic champaign glasses (just trust me on this one)

Always clean the filter out
Watch the clock to avoid shrivelage
Recommended lady to men ratio is 7:1
Have plenty of ice cubes on hand
One-piece suits spoil the fun
No Chinese take-out in the tub
Be sure you've had most of your children before engaging in extended hot tub use

Ok fans, that's it for this week. Happy Spa-ing! See you soon!
Jose

My vision of paradise: the SPA 3000 I have installed in my bungalow seats 35 with wireless internet access, surround sound, leather interior, underwater wet bar, and modified comfort jets taken from Gulf War era fighter plane.

Off-Season Report

2007-01-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

Hello, fans. It's me, Jose.

a picture of my great great great grandfather, Jose Valenin the First

I don't usually like to break my off-season silence, as my wife does not appreciate my many female fans being tipped off to my whereabouts. All the breast-baring and panty throwing is not good for our children's emotional growth, she says. But as you probably know, I have re-signed with the Mets this winter, and I am told we are getting a great break on insurance rates because Omar signed so many of us more mature players. Finally, there will be large type Sudoko puzzles in the clubhouse! It's not all good, though, as one of the new additions--I haven't caught him yet--keeps pissing in the hot tub!

Which brings me to why I am posting today. Lastings read me aloud an article this morning at breakfast that really upset me: Bud Selig is planning on yanking the Extra-Innings package from cable!

Well, this really riles me up, fans. I have cable now, but I used to use a dish. The damn dish kept falling into the outdoor hot tub, and ever since that McEwing fella stopped working the clubhouse, and Endy became a big star, there is no one to help me with the frequent adjustments a dish needs. So, I got cable hook-up and it worked fine. You see, I like to use the "Extra Innings" service to scout the cities of teams we will play next. It is easy to find out which upcoming road trips will feature the most hot mommacitos in the stands, so I know where to put my efforts.

I have spent some of my off-season combing through old pictures in the garage. My wife says no hot tub in the garage until I clean it out, so I have found many old pictures. I am unhappy with the way some have insinuated that performance enhancing drugs contributed to my sudden success last season. That success was not due to any steroid use really. To prove it here is an old picture of me telling Jose Canseco that I am not interested in smearing cream on his ass after the game.

See?

Well, that's all for now. See you in a few weeks fans.

Thank you fans

2006-11-02T19:18:00.000-08:00

Hello fans, it's me, Jose.

Well my friends, it is with a heavy heart that I note the end of the season. The hot tub water is cold, my friends, so cold.

It was tough to lose that game. Worse still is that I heard the Cardinals were chanting my name in their locker room after they beat us. I have no idea why they would do that.

As you fans know, in the 7th game, bottom of the 4th, I was struck by a pitch that hit the ground in front of the plate and bounced up and hit me in the face. Or actually, my complement of facial hair took the brunt of it, saving my face. That's the good news. But the bad news is, the mustache has sustained heavy damage. Tomorrow, I undergo reconstructive surgury on my mustache. The doctors say there's a 50-50 chance it will regain its normal lustre and shine. I am a little frightened, but with your love and support I will pull through.

I do not know what the off-season will bring, as I have declared myself an agent of freedom, but as always, I thank you for your support.

Oct 11 vs. Cardinals: This time, the mustache is real baby!!

2006-10-11T10:48:00.000-07:00

Hi fans, I am sitting here in Ground Round typing this entry into my laptop. For dessert, my sundae came in a plastic Mets hat!! Coincidence? I don't think so.

I was doing a little historical internet research today, and it turns out that many great Mets teams were led to the World Series by a man who proudly wore a mustache.

-----> -------------------------------------------->

Fans, today I will again start my quest to do the same thing. I hope you will support me.

Oct. 4 vs Dodgers: Jose's Post-season Notebook

2006-10-04T17:31:00.000-07:00

Hi fans and welcome to my playoff notebook.

Today, i want to explain two mysterious things that happened in the Mets' 6-5 NLDS victory over the Dodgers. First, many have wondered what the hell was J.D. Drew thinking when he tried to score right behind the lovable but not overly speedy Jeff Kent. Well, I think I can shed some light on that. As he rounded second, I told him his uniform was very flattering, especially around his backside area. Just paying a complement that's all, and since he's always injured and I don't run into him that much, I didn't want to miss the opportunity. Next thing I know, he's running like hell, like that little cartoon Roadrunner bird or some shit.

The other thing people are asking is, hey Jose, in the 7th inning why'd you throw the ball at Marlon Anderson's back, nearly ruining the game in the process of hanging Jose Reyes out to dry. Well, first off, Marlon owes me some money for the paintjob I did on his car a few years back. Nore importantly, he also promised me dinner at GR to repay the favor, and he never delivered. Add to this, Jose needs to learn to tuck his shirt in anyhow; he's always finding an excuse to let it flap out of his pants. It's just a pet peave of mine, as grooming is job #1 if you want to be a sucessful Major Leaguer. So I had to teach them both a lesson tonight, one that could have cost us our star shortstop's postseason services, and lost us the pivitol game one of the playoffs to a team we should beat, but one that was necessary. How can you give
110% if you look like a slob, or like John Kruk?

Grooming and Ground Round. Mess with either of those things and your are messing with me, Jose Valentin.

More later fans!

7/07/06--7/08/06 vs. Florida: AM I NOT THE MAN?

2006-07-08T21:03:00.000-07:00

Hello fans. Willie gave me most of the night off Friday as I was feeling the effects of some sketchy ranch dressing at GR the night before when during some "Josetime," I treated myself to some delicious jalapeno poppers. With a little time to wander the clubhouse and make myself useful, I thought I'd tidy up my locker a bit. I noticed that the notebook I use to keep track of my at-bats and study the opposing pitchers looked strange--darned if the cover didn't say "C. Delgado"! Gosh, I think I've been using that one for a few months now, I wonder where mine went? I guess it'll turn up. Anyways, during the 5th inning, I also helped pack Jose Lima's bags--gosh he has a lot of colorful suits!

After the game, I was feeling out of sorts. Though with enough at-bats, I am on a pace for 100 RBI season, and am maintaining the highest slugging percentage of my career, I was snubbed for the All-Star game, so I have to admit watching a certain 3rd baseman decide which pink shirt he was going to wear to the All-Star dinner (not at GR by the way), I was starting to feel a little down. But I pulled myself together, started filling the hot tub, and got down to the night's grooming. A doubleheader and 7 RBI's later, I am feeling much better.

Many a time, fans of the MLB will discuss prospects or stars, saying they have "5 tools." So it is not surprising that fans often ask me, Jose, just how many tools do you have? Well fans, I like to be modest, but I am an honest man if nothing else. I would say I posess at least 13 tools:

blazing speed
enormous lumber
lady magnetism
tantric sexual ability
remembers ladies birthdays
always on time
notably white teeth
catlike reflexes
on-field flexibility
manicured manliness
eshews fastfood
olefactory prowess
never sleepy

I'm sure you fans have noticed a few others, but that's it for now. See you soon!

06/30/06 vs. Yankees

2006-07-02T08:16:00.000-07:00

Fans, it's me Jose, and I have some very troubling news to report. I was in the tunnel during the rain delay (and I don't mean Steve Traschel, I mean the real rain delay), bending over to get a drink of water from the cooler when Derek Jeter propositioned me. It started out innocently when he wolf-whistled at me, and asked whether I wanted to come to a BBQ for July 4th weekend with him, Johnny and Alex. Now I had seen the two Yankee buddies in their video on the internet, but I was still taken aback. It was the middle of a major league game after all. And workplace sexual harrassment is strictly forbidden by MLB regulations, unless your name is Keith Hernandez.

Not that there's anything wrong with that, I said, but I thought you went out with Mariah Carey. Well, it's kinda complicated, said the rangeless Yankees shortstop, she's kind of, well, she's a transgendered man-woman. I had to explain to him that while I respected his position, although Jose is something of a swinger, there are no men in my hot tub, if you know what I'm saying. Besides, if I were that kind of guy, I told him, I'm more of an A-Rod fan anyway--at least that mercenary is a decent shortstop--before that whole slappy incident at least. Or maybe a nice steroidal hunk like Jason Giambi, who is somehow allowed to continue to play although he is clearly violating the league drug policy. Now the overrated captain didn't take this so well, his eyes got watery and his face got all red and puffy. Then he dissapeared into the dark, dank, overrated Yankee Stadium caverns. I was so shaken and bothered, it was as though I had to sit through an Al Leiter YES broadcast. I had Endy fix me a stiff drink and I locked the clubhouse door to hot tub alone.

Well that's it for now fans, talk to you soon.
Jose

Here I am, Ladies!!

2006-06-25T06:44:00.000-07:00

Hi fans, it's me Jose. Well, the time has come to tell you fans the unvarnished truth about why you have not seen posts from me lately. It turns out that a certain goody-two-shoes third baseman, insanely jealous of my sucess, working in cahoots with a certain bitter ex-broadcaster, have hacked into my site and erased my postings for the last few weeks. Luckily Ralph Kiner tipped me off to their scheme, and showed me a few webmaster tricks last night over boneless wings at Ground Round. So my site is back in business! Look for fresh posts soon...

05/13/06 vs. Milwaukee

2006-05-17T05:54:00.000-07:00

Hi fans, its me, Jose. Well, have I been a busy man or what? You see, my recent success has made me very popular with the fans, particularly some fine Milwaukee ladies--Clarissetta and BobbiJo, if you're reading this, I'd like my watch back, please baby! Like I tell my sons, Jesmuel and Yomar, you gotta watch out for the ladies!

Problem is, I think the reason I started hitting like Robin Yount is that a few weeks ago in San Francisco, I smeared some clear shit all over my ass. It tasted a lot like apple sauce. Anyhow, that stuff really kicked in this week, and I felt like an animal at the plate in Milwaukee. My veins were popping, and the vision was all blurry for a few games and I got angry easily, especially when someone told me I was swinging a toilet plunger, not a bat. Plus, I had to borrow Ramon's hat the other day. But I was able to harness my blind rage and perform on the field. Afterwards, the media even asked me for reaction. I said:"It was an ugly win, but you've got to take any win you can"; just like a pro!! So now I'm hitting .275/.293/.375 and Willie is calling me on the cell like 24-7 trying to convice me to move into the starting lineup--but hey, a deal's a deal Willie!

Fans, getting right down to the issue that's really bothering me, in the hot tub the other night, I noticed my balls shrank to the size of lima beans. I think that clear stuff ruined my nads, and I haven't touched the stuff since. All and all, there's a lesson in my trip to Milwaukee for you all kids: ask to see the ladies' drivers licences at GR before you take them home!!

05/09/06 vs. Philadelphia

2006-05-10T05:42:00.000-07:00

Hey fans, Sorry no posts lately, but I've been real busy making intangible contributions to Willie Randolph's Mets.

For example, the other day, Jose Lima wanted me to help him with his hair colloring, so being pretty handy with facial hair and the like, I helped out. He showed me a picture of what he wanted and I helped him get that "clown" look just in time for the game. Then I helped the clubhouse attendant clean out a old stash of pornographic material he found, mostly of young male models. We don't know whose they were but they were all marked with the initials "MP."

But enough good news. I struck out today (in honor of Pedro in the 8th) mostly because I was still thinking of LoDuca's misplay versus the Atlanta club. I know I shouldn't be so steamed, but we practiced that play over and over again. The play calls for the catcher to spike the ball, and then, pay attention here, KICK it through the uprights. Lo Duca apparently forgot to finish the play off with the flourish. I mean, if we practiced this once we did it a thousand times. I worked hard designing that play, and Lo Duca really messed it up, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt because it was his first try. And we'll keep practicing, even though we lost our "uprights" when Victor ran off the field the other day.

But maybe Paul's got other things on his mind; it does get lonely out here and on the road. Not for me, of course, but the other guys get lonely. Lo Duca said the ump told Lima, "I'm going to give you a couple inches off the plate, but I'm not going to give you 4 or 5 inches because you're not John Smoltz." That, Lo Duca said, "I got a little problem with."Lima said that "makes me look like I'm a rookie up there." Now to me, that's way too much information--if you fellas want to meet in the hot tub after the game for a rub down, that's fine by me (I'm usually only in there during the games), as long as you clean the filter when you're done with it. Jose is familiar with the swinging lifestyle, but after all, this is a family game.

With all the roster moves coming, I asked Willy if I would be getting more playing time and he said not to worry, he just needs me for that one at-bat a day. You know, Willy's a show me kind of guy. And he likes what he sees.

5/03/06 and 5/04/06 vs. Pittsburgh

2006-05-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

Hey fans, Jose here.

The first game of the Pirates series was so rainy. When I came in to pinch hit for Pedro, the fans really got pumped up and yelled "JooBooooooooSeeeyy"!! Interesting pronounciation of my name--fans are so creative!! I was inspired and got a little piece of that third strike, but man it was just too wet on the field for me to be legging out a single!

I think the cream I used in San Francisco is starting to work. I haven't washed my ass since then and damned if in the 7th inning of the second game I don't single in an RBI! I think my head grew a little too. Now that I'm starting to bruise the ball, what I'm thinking is that I need an "entrance song" something to let the fans know Jose is coming in the ballgame, most likely to flail away uselessly. You know, like that evil-looking guy on the Braves used to come in to, "Dancing Queen" by ABBA, or some shit. But I'm not too familiar with your American music, so I'm hoping you fans can suggest some songs for me.

So fans, how about it? What song should they play at Shea to announce that Jose is about to pinch-hit?

05/02/06 vs. Washington: Vote for Jose!!

2006-05-03T04:57:00.000-07:00

Terrible loss today. Anyways, first off I want to give a big cheer to my brother Javier, who was a real pinch-hit hero today for the Reds. I watched his game today from the clubhouse hot tub. I call him a lot and leave pinch hitting tips on his voice mail. It's turning out to be a great year for Valentins!

Fans I have noticed how many of you visit my site, and I appreciate your support. And ladies, of course, thanks for the pictures, but please don't send them to my home because this makes my wife Ilka a little bit cranky.

I am thrilled at the response to my being a Met, but the time has come for me to ask a favor from you.

I was in the hot tub talking to Cliff Floyd (hitting .190 to my .160, yet listed on the All-star ballot) and he ended up loaning me this book, "The Ultimate Secrets of Total Self-Confidence,'' or some shit. Well, there were some pretty inspiring words in that book and it got me thinking about my self-esteem...

Many of you have probably noticed that I was left off the All-Star ballot this year--no space for pinch hitters such as myself. When he brought me my beer, Endy also mentioned there was no space for pinch runners. But there IS a write-in category. I was thinking to myself, "Jose, wouldn't it be great if some of your fans from your blog would write you in on their ballots when they vote democratically like 50 times for the most popular players regardless of performance?" Since I am starting to peak (.273 in my last 10 games), I think the All-Star game would be a perfect stage for the Jose Valentin experience. You know, it turns out that my agent and Omar inserted a clause in my contract that if I make the All-Star team, that Sterling Co. would get me a gift certificate to Ground Round good for dinner for twelve (thanks again, Omar!!) This would certainly help me to feed my family. What do you say, fans? This year, why not "Vote for Jose"?

05/01/06 vs. Washington

2006-05-02T02:37:00.000-07:00

I always like to go the extra mile for my friend Victor. So today when I pinch hit for him, I got it all the way to the outfield before it was caught; that's just my way of saying thanks for being a good friend. I noticed Julio Franco has been getting some opportunities to pinch hit that could go to me, so I played a little trick on him and put a little cold medicine in his laxative drink today. He wasn't ready to go until the 9th and as a result of my little joke, we won the game! Hey fans, sometimes things just work out. Tonight, me and Vicky will go out and celebrate; I invited David along, but he has to stay in and play checkers with his mom or some shit.

Now fans, I want to take a moment to address something I read the other day in the hot tub in the 4th inning of some game or another. Ever since I signed with the Mets for a guaranteed contract, Mets fans have treated me like a king, yelling things out to me from the stands, throwing things to me, etc. But there's a bad apple in every crowd. Apparently some wise-ass has decided to take my statistics out of context; comparing me to the wrong reference group--pitchers--but I'm a pinch hitter not a pitcher, dummy!! People should really learn to spell!

NAME AB H BA OBP OPST.
Glavine 7 3 .429 .429 .857B.
Bannister 7 2 .286 .286 .714S.
Trachsel 8 2 .250 .250 .625
P. Martinez 9 1 .111 .200 .311
J. Valentin 21 2 .095 .095 .190
V. Zambrano 4 0 .000 .000 .000

Then this joker compares my performance to a pitcher with only one hand, Jim Abbott, back in 1999, the juiced era! Well obviously managing two hands on a bat is more difficult than only one hand!

The reality is, I am always trying to improve to help the team. I have asked Willie to take my splits into account to decide how to best utilize my talent. For example, I am hiting .091 during the day, but .167 at night. At night my stash keeps me warm and focused, whereas during day games, I admit I get a little sweaty and distracted. Now that we are returning to Shea, I have some adjustments to make. First I have to talk to someone about the hot tub bubbler being out of order. Though I was on fire on that road trip and am hitting .333 on the road, I am still waiting to nudge my home average up a bit from .000.

Other commenters have been a little bit kind. Marty Noble has hit the nail on the head, it's my versatility that separates me from the Michael Tuckers of this world:

With the Mets' sudden lack of offense, doesn't it make sense to release Valentin and call up Diaz again?-- Josh H., Dallas

Obviously, your e-mail was sent before Diaz was promoted. Valentin was unproductive at first, but he has already begun to make more contact. The Mets still need more left-handed hitting off the bench. They recently signed Michael Tucker to a Minor League deal. He might have something left, but he lacks the versatility that Valentin has.

Mr. Noble is right on the money. As I explained to him over lunch at Ground Round last week, there is one very special thing about the way I play the game. It's the versatile way I make the outs that I make. For example, I often like to strike out with men on base; you don't need to be Bobby Valentine to figure out this strategy, it takes us right out of what I like to call "double-play danger." Also, I prefer ground outs to the infield to fly ball outs; this way there is more of a chance that the opposing players will injure themselves trying to make plays on my dribblers and nubblers. That's right fans, baseball is a game of strategy and guile. Well, I've enjoyed talking strategy with you fans, but it's time for some grooming and then a night out on the town!

06/28/06 vs.Atlanta

2006-04-29T03:57:00.000-07:00

Hi fans! well tonight was an inspiring victory for the club, for anyone watching. I wasn't really watching tonight, I was in the club house, checking out the Atlanta clubhouse whirlpool with a few honeys I met at GR last night and I kind of lost track of time. The clubhouse is an important part of the ballplayer's day to day life. You see fans, before the game, while Manny Acta takes care of most of the game strategizing, me, Victor, and Willy work on our blogs together in the club house. I don't know exactly what the rest of the guys do during this time, but I think some of them go out and take BP and stuff like that. I know for the past week, Carlos Beltran just sits in his traveling tennis ball machine and stares. Anyhow, this daily session gives me a little time to give Willy my input before the game, you know, suggest some stuff he can try with the bullpen, and what might be good pinch hitting matchups. I think I'd make a good manager too, some day when my playing days are over. However, I think at least in my first manager position, it'd be hard to score quite the same amount of cheese as I did signing here (thanks again, Omar!).

4/25/06 vs San Francisco

2006-04-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

Hey fans, here in San Francisco, the whole Barry Bonds thing got me thinking. I thought, "hey Jose, maybe you can enhance your performance."So before the game, I rubbed a clear substance all over my ass and drank a quart of flaxseed oil. Well no results yet fans. I'm now batting at sweet .095 and according to my hitting chart, have only managed to get two fly balls into the outfield at Shea. But the Giant's trainer says it takes time for the stuff to work and that's OK, 'cause I got a guaranteed contract, a nightly pinch-hitting gig, and plenty of time. Thanks Willy and Omar! A lot of you ladies have asked me for more pictures so I will be posting a few from my collection in the future. I'd get some ones of me in Mets gear, but the team photographer keeps avoiding me for some reason. Well, got to go do some grooming, till we meet again check out this crazy Korean cartoon. Can you find me? Later, Metsfans.

04/22/06 vs. San Diego

2006-04-24T05:32:00.000-07:00

Hey fans, tonight I got my average up to .111, same as Pedro's!! Then their 2nd baseman or some shit throws the ball away and I had to run to second base. No problem, you say? Well since I wasn't planning any baserunning, and I'm still not wearing any underwear for good luck, it was a pretty painful situation. Don't worry fans, now I am applying a soothing balm.

4/21/06 vs.San Diego

2006-04-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

Ok, so for tonight's game, I tried something new. No underwear, man. Julio Franco suggested I give it a try, 'cause it worked for him once in Cleveland in '83.

Answering Willy's nightly call, I still struck out for the pitcher in the 10th inning. But man, I'm glad I sent those guys in the San Diego television booth up some gift certificates to Ground Round when we got into town. Tonight they said on-air that when I bat from the left side, "this is where he really scares you." They really sounded sincere. Then they started talking about video games or some shit.

4/20/06 vs. San Diego

2006-04-21T04:20:00.000-07:00

Well, you probably heard by now, Willy's faith in me finally paid off and I collected a base hit tonight in the ninth inning, raising my average to .063. The guys let me keep the ball. And we're going to Ground Round tonight to celebrate. Pretty sweet. I hope they still have those baseball helmet icecream sundaes, cause I plan to pig out tonight.

4/19/06 vs Atlanta

2006-04-20T06:47:00.000-07:00

Today's 0 fer 3 got me thinking. I think I'm gonna try reversing my hands on the bat. Like put my top hand on bottom and shit.

I'm glad Willy still has confidence in me. I saw a sweet little cigar boat that I want to look into buying. And I do the little things that don't show up in the boxscore, besides never ever getting a hit. Today I helped Ramon Castro carry his gigantic mask from the club house. Gosh he has a big head, I wonder if the drag slowed him down on that play at the plate.

04/17/06 vs. Atlanta

2006-04-17T18:31:00.000-07:00

Boy I sucked today. 0 fer 2. I barely put up a fight. Luckily we still won the game. Cashed my first paycheck though.

4/16/06 vs. Milwaukee

2006-04-17T08:38:00.000-07:00

wow today i really blew. That guy Sheets was pretty good. I tried closing my eyes and swinging. Still nothing.
0-7.
But Willy keeps going to me off the bench. It figures though, some of the guys say that he has no clue what he's doing in the dugout. I mean, you can't blame the guy, since the major part of his apprenticeship was watching Joe Torre just sit there and decompose.

Welcome Metsfans

2006-04-17T07:54:00.000-07:00

Hello, my name is Jose Valentin and this is my blog. I am currently playing for the New York Mets. General Manager Omar Minaya saw that I was available, coming off an injury, did nothing for the Dodgers last year, had a lifetime batting average of .241, and am in obvious steady decline. He liked what he saw. And the team at the time had no Valentins to speak of. Also, I had pictures of him in compromising positions with a cocktail waitress in Miami. So here I am.

I saw the Mets' other thirdbaseman has his own blog, giving the fans insight into what it's like to be an up-and-coming star, and I thought, "why not give the fans a taste of the utter failure it is to be Jose Valentin right now?"

This season has not gone so well for me so far. I don't understand how I made this team, or why I was given a guaranteed contract for $912, 500. I can't seem to hit the little white baseball at all. But it's alright, I still get paid. And I have some free time to blog and share my experiences with you, the fan. Enjoy!