05/01/06 vs. Washington

I always like to go the extra mile for my friend Victor. So today when I pinch hit for him, I got it all the way to the outfield before it was caught; that's just my way of saying thanks for being a good friend. I noticed Julio Franco has been getting some opportunities to pinch hit that could go to me, so I played a little trick on him and put a little cold medicine in his laxative drink today. He wasn't ready to go until the 9th and as a result of my little joke, we won the game! Hey fans, sometimes things just work out. Tonight, me and Vicky will go out and celebrate; I invited David along, but he has to stay in and play checkers with his mom or some shit.

Now fans, I want to take a moment to address something I read the other day in the hot tub in the 4th inning of some game or another. Ever since I signed with the Mets for a guaranteed contract, Mets fans have treated me like a king, yelling things out to me from the stands, throwing things to me, etc. But there's a bad apple in every crowd. Apparently some wise-ass has decided to take my statistics out of context; comparing me to the wrong reference group--pitchers--but I'm a pinch hitter not a pitcher, dummy!! People should really learn to spell!

NAME AB H BA OBP OPST.
Glavine 7 3 .429 .429 .857B.
Bannister 7 2 .286 .286 .714S.
Trachsel 8 2 .250 .250 .625
P. Martinez 9 1 .111 .200 .311
J. Valentin 21 2 .095 .095 .190
V. Zambrano 4 0 .000 .000 .000

Then this joker compares my performance to a pitcher with only one hand, Jim Abbott, back in 1999, the juiced era! Well obviously managing two hands on a bat is more difficult than only one hand!

The reality is, I am always trying to improve to help the team. I have asked Willie to take my splits into account to decide how to best utilize my talent. For example, I am hiting .091 during the day, but .167 at night. At night my stash keeps me warm and focused, whereas during day games, I admit I get a little sweaty and distracted. Now that we are returning to Shea, I have some adjustments to make. First I have to talk to someone about the hot tub bubbler being out of order. Though I was on fire on that road trip and am hitting .333 on the road, I am still waiting to nudge my home average up a bit from .000.

Other commenters have been a little bit kind. Marty Noble has hit the nail on the head, it's my versatility that separates me from the Michael Tuckers of this world:

With the Mets' sudden lack of offense, doesn't it make sense to release Valentin and call up Diaz again?-- Josh H., Dallas

Obviously, your e-mail was sent before Diaz was promoted. Valentin was unproductive at first, but he has already begun to make more contact. The Mets still need more left-handed hitting off the bench. They recently signed Michael Tucker to a Minor League deal. He might have something left, but he lacks the versatility that Valentin has.

Mr. Noble is right on the money. As I explained to him over lunch at Ground Round last week, there is one very special thing about the way I play the game. It's the versatile way I make the outs that I make. For example, I often like to strike out with men on base; you don't need to be Bobby Valentine to figure out this strategy, it takes us right out of what I like to call "double-play danger." Also, I prefer ground outs to the infield to fly ball outs; this way there is more of a chance that the opposing players will injure themselves trying to make plays on my dribblers and nubblers. That's right fans, baseball is a game of strategy and guile. Well, I've enjoyed talking strategy with you fans, but it's time for some grooming and then a night out on the town!