Monday, March 03, 2008

Let me 'splain!

Hi fans, it's me, Jose.

Some of you have asked me, hey, Jose, what's up with the gesturing you did in the dugout the other day? Like I teach my kids, brushing and flossing after every meal is very very important to achieve the appropriate level of hygiene. So when my buddies in the dugout asked me, "hey Jose, what did you do last night? and what's your technique for oral care?" I was like "this guy, this guy right here treated me to Ground Round last night and it was great except for some of the celery from the awesome Triple Sampler, tm got caught in my teeth." Then I just showed them my approach to keeping my mouth clean and healthy.

Well, I hope that explains some things for you. While I'm working my way back to the field, I think I will start up posting on my blog again soon. See you at GR, amigos!


Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Jose's Diary: I met someone

Hello fans,

It's me Jose, and I want to take a break from my Mets player-GR menu item series to let you in on my personal life a bit. My wife can't read the internets so I guess I wont get in trouble for sharing this. I want to tell you about the terrific woman I met last night, Debbie.

I noticed her there at Ground Round right away, sitting across the bar, all overly tanned a little too muscular and big haired, and well, beautiful. My midget had called a cab so I was alone. He was getting a little bit ornery for a little guy anyway, and I was starting to feel sorry for myself. Debbie came over and introduced herself. I suspected she was married because I saw her slip a ring into her purse as she joined me at one of the high boy tables near the bar. She said her husband was a real jerk, very sucessful but hooked on some drug she didn't want to talk about. She just wanted someone to talk with. They had just moved back to the NY area so he could take some high profile job that would leave him little time for her. She said sometime she was so alone that all she had was her hobby, sewing rhinestones into clothing and hats and then trying to unload the stuff on the internet.

She said she was dedicated to women's health or some shit, and I just smiled and asked her if she'd ever been in a hot tub. The rest of the night, well I'll have to leave it to your imagination.

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Sunday, May 06, 2007

Ground Rounders: Jose Reyes

Hi fans,

I have some time on my hands recently, so I have been hanging at GR with my recuperatatory midget, Pepe. I can tell you my friends, that midget can really put them away. So after about 15 Coronas, Pepe and I decided to start a series of posts where I compare a different Mets player to an item on the Ground Round menu.

First up, Jose Reyes, who is most definitely a "Sensational Starter." The way he gets on base, and sets our table, it was no trouble to pick the appetizer he most reminds me of:

Triple Sampler A generous sampler of guest favorites: stuffed potato skins, Buffalo chicken tenderloins and mozzarella cheese sticks.

It is easy to see how each of the three delicious and healthy snacks represents a base, which Jose tears around, headed for yet another triple.

When Jose come up to the plate, second base is guaranteed!

Tuesday, May 01, 2007


Hi fans its me, Jose.

You probably have heard by now that I hurt my ACLU. I do not know all the details, but I want to reassure you that Pedro has loaned me both his new "recuperatatory midget," Pepe, and his "recovery sombrero." I will tell you more when I know. However, I don't need to to tell you that my friend Damion Easley deserves your support, although it is plain from last night's performance that he will never be able to fill my shoes. I think I will be spending a bit more time at the GR for the next few weeks while I do everything in my power to get back on the field.

Thank you for your support.

Friday, April 13, 2007

Diary: Jose's Picture Book and Personal Philosophy

Hi fans, it's me Jose.

Many of you have noticed how smooth I am in the field, and wonder, am I as smooth in my personal life? Well fans, the answer is yes. But today I want to go beyond the kind of personal grooming tips I normally give you, and provide some deeper understanding of my personal philosophy, which I call bigote.

How smooth am I? And how did I get like that? In today's world there are so many questions, and not enough answers.

Here is a picture I found cleaning out my garage over the off-season to make room for a new hot tub. It is of me, on my way to junior prom. I show it to you to illustrate that poise and smoothness stand the test of time. They are qualities that, once you develop, never leave you. Even if you happen to bat .167 through the first nine games of the season, a lower average than anyone on the entire pitching staff, you can endure.

Bigote is a personal approach to living well, handed down through twelve generations of Jose Valentin's. Here are few rules to get you started:

Looking good is the entire battle.

Only cheat when you have to.

Beware the women of Milwaukee.

You must always be ready to score on life's wild pitches.

I want you to ponder these with your untutored minds, and we will return to them shortly, and unlock their karmic power. And in the coming season, I will reveal more of the tenants of bigote. Fans, follow these rules, and you too, can enjoy a smooth life.

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Friday, March 30, 2007

Diary: The Mets Clubhouse Situation on the Eve of 2007 Season

Hi fans,
It's me, Jose.

Well, the season is about to start, and I thought I'd fill you in on how the spring went, as far as personalities gelling and the like.

But first, a funny story. A few weeks ago, me and Tony LaRussa hit a Florida-area Ground Round for a couple of beers and appetizers. I remember Tony drank a lot of wine coolers. Then, Tony gave me a ride back to my place, and I was in the middle of a great story about Jerry Reinsdorf and these two lady circus performers when Tony, he just passed out at a light. Luckily for me, I was able to jump out of the car and hide in the bushes when the cops came. I just don't like cops. Man, walking back to my place, I have never wished I was wearing pants as much as I did then.

Well, if you read my blog at all, you probably guessed that Carlos Delgado left his notebook lying around again while he was attending his child's birth, so I was able to really rake this spring. Still, I got a little case of the Grapefruit League lonely's.

Sure, the press reported that I hang out and play dominoes with "Delgado and the Dominoes," which includes Carlos Delgado, Carlos Beltran, and Julio Franco. We actually call the group "Jose and the Geriatrics," but Delgado hasn't been around much, Beltran is always playing with his tennis-ball machine, and Franco is napping almost 24-7. Beltran is more of a cock-fight kind of guy anyhow.

Also, I used to hang around with Endy a lot, but lately he has been distant. Actually, ever since he made "the catch" he has been a little hard to take, ego-wise. He calls me Abuelito, and is always pounding away on his Blackberry, talking about "options" or some shit. Then my boy Jorge Sosa cleared waivers and now he’ll be pulling in $1.25 million at Triple-A New Orleans instead of carrying my bags and making sure my towels are fresh. As for Damion Easley, he is mostly focusing on selling his dietary products in the clubhouse, and hot-rodding his van.

Well, don't worry about me. I have a certain inner strength. I will come through for you fans, tomorrow night, and for the rest of the season. I am groomed and I am ready.

take care,

Friday, March 16, 2007

Injury Update

picture borrowed from my homegirl,

Hi fans,
It's me, (ouch) Jose. You may have heard that I am having some problems with my neck due to a sleeping injury. I am here to let you know that this is not true. Moreover, while my cataracts are acting up lately, there is no truth to the rumor that I have an arthritic neck; I mean, how could a professional athelete have arthritis, that's an old person's affliction!

Fans I hope you will forgive me this cover story, for I had to think fast when questioned, or the awful truth might come out. Seeing as I am already ashamed that my snake, "Lulu" got loose the other day in the pressbox, I felt that additional media pressure would be unbearable. Here's the real story you won't find anywhere else.

The truth is, ever since the Wilpons banned cock fighting in the Port St. Lucie clubhouse, we players have had to find other things to pass the time. So, I was leg wrestling with Wil Cordero, when he pulled a move that was banned many years ago in my country. I had no defense. Fans, he finished me off with the Escroto en Garganta "Balls on Throat" maneuver, a move so dangerous that it is banned by every major international leg-wresting federation, except the Midget-Cow Wrestling Association headquartered in Sao Paolo. Fans, I am lucky to be alive, much less hit .250 this season and play respectable defense.

Now, I am not saying that Wil Cordero is a dirty leg wrestler, but my neck has been a source of pain ever since. Illegal move or no illegal move, I have since forgiven Wil, since he threatened to kill me and urinate on my family, but I thought you fans should know the truth.

Talk to you soon!

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