Saturday, January 27, 2007

Off-Season Report

Hello, fans. It's me, Jose.

a picture of my great great great grandfather, Jose Valenin the First

I don't usually like to break my off-season silence, as my wife does not appreciate my many female fans being tipped off to my whereabouts. All the breast-baring and panty throwing is not good for our children's emotional growth, she says. But as you probably know, I have re-signed with the Mets this winter, and I am told we are getting a great break on insurance rates because Omar signed so many of us more mature players. Finally, there will be large type Sudoko puzzles in the clubhouse! It's not all good, though, as one of the new additions--I haven't caught him yet--keeps pissing in the hot tub!

Which brings me to why I am posting today. Lastings read me aloud an article this morning at breakfast that really upset me: Bud Selig is planning on yanking the Extra-Innings package from cable!

Well, this really riles me up, fans. I have cable now, but I used to use a dish. The damn dish kept falling into the outdoor hot tub, and ever since that McEwing fella stopped working the clubhouse, and Endy became a big star, there is no one to help me with the frequent adjustments a dish needs. So, I got cable hook-up and it worked fine. You see, I like to use the "Extra Innings" service to scout the cities of teams we will play next. It is easy to find out which upcoming road trips will feature the most hot mommacitos in the stands, so I know where to put my efforts.

I have spent some of my off-season combing through old pictures in the garage. My wife says no hot tub in the garage until I clean it out, so I have found many old pictures. I am unhappy with the way some have insinuated that performance enhancing drugs contributed to my sudden success last season. That success was not due to any steroid use really. To prove it here is an old picture of me telling Jose Canseco that I am not interested in smearing cream on his ass after the game.


Well, that's all for now. See you in a few weeks fans.


At 9:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey jose valentin you might not no me because its been a while and you get alot of fans and everytrhing i use to watch you play with the mayaguez indios i was a big fan of yours you might know my uncle Pedro Bracero he was the one who washed uniforms and took care of everything in the club house ive been following you since i was a kid every team you get traded to thats my favorite team and you even gave me your bat that says jose valentin chicago white soxs i would appreciated if you

At 5:06 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tony!!!!! Hi! this is ur cousin, Theresa's daughter. i have been trying to get ahold of you for the longest time. we miss u soo much! please get ahold of us as soon as you can! i was going to call the mets and leave you a message, thats what rich told me to do but i thought it would be easier if i could leave u fan mail over the internet, well if you can get ahold of judy and rich or even chris, get back at us soon please! we miss you i havnt seen you in forever! =/

At 10:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Are you responsible for this? Kerry Wood injured getting out of a hot tub. . .


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