Wednesday, May 17, 2006

05/13/06 vs. Milwaukee

Hi fans, its me, Jose. Well, have I been a busy man or what? You see, my recent success has made me very popular with the fans, particularly some fine Milwaukee ladies--Clarissetta and BobbiJo, if you're reading this, I'd like my watch back, please baby! Like I tell my sons, Jesmuel and Yomar, you gotta watch out for the ladies!

Problem is, I think the reason I started hitting like Robin Yount is that a few weeks ago in San Francisco, I smeared some clear shit all over my ass. It tasted a lot like apple sauce. Anyhow, that stuff really kicked in this week, and I felt like an animal at the plate in Milwaukee. My veins were popping, and the vision was all blurry for a few games and I got angry easily, especially when someone told me I was swinging a toilet plunger, not a bat. Plus, I had to borrow Ramon's hat the other day. But I was able to harness my blind rage and perform on the field. Afterwards, the media even asked me for reaction. I said:"It was an ugly win, but you've got to take any win you can"; just like a pro!! So now I'm hitting .275/.293/.375 and Willie is calling me on the cell like 24-7 trying to convice me to move into the starting lineup--but hey, a deal's a deal Willie!

Fans, getting right down to the issue that's really bothering me, in the hot tub the other night, I noticed my balls shrank to the size of lima beans. I think that clear stuff ruined my nads, and I haven't touched the stuff since. All and all, there's a lesson in my trip to Milwaukee for you all kids: ask to see the ladies' drivers licences at GR before you take them home!!

16 Comments:

At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Big "Fan" said...

Jose, baby, it hurt me to hear about you and that Milwaukee-"jailbait"-watch-stealin' trash. You ought to know better "than" to pick up "hunnies" in a town that can't produce a decent beer. I want you to know that I'm well "over" 18--some may say past my first "bloom" of youth, but I've been around long enough to know how to make a mustache-wearin' "fool" like you a very happy man. I would love to show you what to do with that "lady" tickler! It doensn't even bother me that you're hitting better--my intense and innapropriate feelings for you are unconditional. And for the "record," I find nothing sexier than an apple-sauce-smellin' bootie with a teeny-"tiny" little ball bag hangin' between the legs. The less little guys you got swimmin' "around" in there, the safer we "are," baby. Sure, I probably don't have to worry about that in "my" time of life, but we can't be too safe, can we. Jose, baby, "let" me know you feel me, baby. I'll "be" waiting by my comuter...

 
At 10:02 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jose
You mean to tell me the only nice looking women you met in milwaukee were underage thieves...damn..I guess I should've danced with you papi...
rubia de milwaukee :)

 
At 2:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey big "fan," what's the deal with the "quotes."

jose, i heart you

 
At 1:55 PM, Anonymous superjoe said...

Jose ! no worries bout that nad-shrinkin' shit! I spoke to the godfadda, Canseco, and he say da balls shrink, but its ok cuz the stuff make you ride like a stallion all nite!

keep rubbin' that cream on ... and you be playing horsey wit five or six teeny boppers a nite!

 
At 12:33 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

daddy wants pancakes

 
At 1:19 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jose How did it feel to play in that 16 inning game yesterday. Seems to me they should have paid you overtime at least.

 
At 8:58 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

having trouble making insulting posts about valentin now that he is in the starting lineup and batting .310 with 3HRs over the last month? thats what i thought!

 
At 8:40 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

What an absolute classless group of loser jerkoffs you guys are. Hopefully I can successfully get this into the hands of whom needs this and get the slander case rolling

 
At 4:47 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"of whom needs this"? good luck with that, pinhead.

 
At 4:51 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

i'm sure jose has better things to do than launch a slander case--too bad you don't!

 
At 3:50 PM, Anonymous another anonymous jerk said...

satire ain't slander, asspod. lighten up.

 
At 9:09 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think Jose has been kidnapped and replaced by an alien.

 
At 12:26 PM, Anonymous Lister said...

ahahhahahaha to the guy whom are gunna git these in the right hand

 
At 8:20 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, HEy, HEY!!! Jose, where are you man?? What's going on? We're waiting to hear from you. Tell us about your recent success.

 
At 1:36 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

who gives a shit. why are we all here anyway? its jose valentin for fux sake.

 
At 11:19 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can'y believe that!!!What does your wife think?

 

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