05/13/06 vs. Milwaukee

Hi fans, its me, Jose. Well, have I been a busy man or what? You see, my recent success has made me very popular with the fans, particularly some fine Milwaukee ladies--Clarissetta and BobbiJo, if you're reading this, I'd like my watch back, please baby! Like I tell my sons, Jesmuel and Yomar, you gotta watch out for the ladies!

Problem is, I think the reason I started hitting like Robin Yount is that a few weeks ago in San Francisco, I smeared some clear shit all over my ass. It tasted a lot like apple sauce. Anyhow, that stuff really kicked in this week, and I felt like an animal at the plate in Milwaukee. My veins were popping, and the vision was all blurry for a few games and I got angry easily, especially when someone told me I was swinging a toilet plunger, not a bat. Plus, I had to borrow Ramon's hat the other day. But I was able to harness my blind rage and perform on the field. Afterwards, the media even asked me for reaction. I said:"It was an ugly win, but you've got to take any win you can"; just like a pro!! So now I'm hitting .275/.293/.375 and Willie is calling me on the cell like 24-7 trying to convice me to move into the starting lineup--but hey, a deal's a deal Willie!

Fans, getting right down to the issue that's really bothering me, in the hot tub the other night, I noticed my balls shrank to the size of lima beans. I think that clear stuff ruined my nads, and I haven't touched the stuff since. All and all, there's a lesson in my trip to Milwaukee for you all kids: ask to see the ladies' drivers licences at GR before you take them home!!