Sunday, February 18, 2007

Jose's Hot Tub 101

Ladies enjoy my "travel tub," seen here during a Pittsburg series--i don't know where they come from, but they're always there. If you look closely, you can make out my big toe to the right of one lady's bosom.

Hello fans,
Jose here. I received a troubling text message from Cubs pitcher Kerry Wood last week. It seems he slipped getting out of his hot tub at home and fell on his stomach and chest. Kerry was distraught. As everyone knows, Kerry has spent most of his career inside a hot tub, and frankly, he was ashamed that he had made such a rookie mistake. After consoling him, and reminding him why a good sturdy pair of flip flops are an injured/has been player's best friend, I thought to myself, "Jose, how can tragedies like this be prevented in the future?" Hot tub safety and etiquette have always been my passion, so I want to share some tips with you this week.

Hot tub: the Basics:

figure A

In figure A above, we have a typical hot tub, much like the one I have installed in my van. While it clearly seats two, the art of manuvering your lady friends into your lap is one that unfortunately cannot be taught. Suffice it to say, you should take the two seats as a starting point, not as your end goal.

Hot tubs make us smile.

Whirlpool vs. Hot tub: Fans this is an issue near my heart, as I have always tried to make the whirlpool more like a hot tub. Let me explain. Whirlpools are found in the clubhouse and are used for therepy and rehabilitation. Hot tubs are where the ladies gather and where the champaign flows. But that doesn't mean that whirlpools can't be fun. In fact, my feeling is that hot tub is a state of mind, an attitude towards life. But the hot tub has rules that must be respected.

Pop Quiz:
Q: What is wrong with this picture?

A: Trick question. There is nothing right with this picture. First, hot tub is an adult area. This is the first rule: no children should ever be allowed in a hot tub. Experience shows that the desired romantic atmosphere can not be achieved in the presence of urine. Two, ice cream and hot tubs do not mix. I repeat, no cream or milk based products should be enjoyed in the vacinity of a hot tub. Yes, this goes for yougurt too.

I want to leave you with some simple rules that will enhance the hot tub experience:

BBC hot tub trial
The hot tub is not a bath
Three words: Plastic champaign glasses (just trust me on this one)

Always clean the filter out
Watch the clock to avoid shrivelage
Recommended lady to men ratio is 7:1
Have plenty of ice cubes on hand
One-piece suits spoil the fun
No Chinese take-out in the tub
Be sure you've had most of your children before engaging in extended hot tub use

Ok fans, that's it for this week. Happy Spa-ing! See you soon!

My vision of paradise: the SPA 3000 I have installed in my bungalow seats 35 with wireless internet access, surround sound, leather interior, underwater wet bar, and modified comfort jets taken from Gulf War era fighter plane.


At 6:52 AM, Anonymous Kerry Wood said...

Now you tell me.


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